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Some of my babbling for you... Jokes and Fun hjerte 9 Mon Sep 24, 2018 11:50 pm
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Some of my babbling for you...

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:49 am
PostPost subject:No icon Some of my babbling for you...
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I'll put this thread in this section, even though its not really 'jokes and fun' xD
Yeah, I'm supposed to be taking a break... the break didn't really include the website and forum though.
If you don't want to read about me I really suggest you skip this thread and I wish you happiness and a good day Smile
I'm not looking for anything, but maybe someone can relate with the following, even if only a little bit?

PS Usually I wouldn't share so much about myself publicly, but I really couldn't care less anymore.

A little backstory of me here:
I joined in was it.... mid-late 2016? For a while I was on good terms with everyone. Hey I'm not blaming anyone here. I've done what I done. Fast forward a few months and that changes, and then changes again... if you are one of those people who has a neutral point of view and doesn't get involved with stuff, I really have alot of respect for you. I wish I could've been that person. Again, what's done is done. so yeah, I just put this behind me.

The only advice I'll give here is.... just stay true to yourself, don't let others influence your thoughts, just do what you think its right.

My life: years of abuse by my father (not letting me go outside, more detailed would be, I felt that I couldn't go outside. in other words I felt like I was being controlled). constantly abused (verbal) for mouth breathing for years (instead of my dad fixing the problem), constantly bullied at school most years. So yeah my life has mostly been sh*t. I've had a few good moments though.

My life now: escaped domestic violence, working on myself, trying to fix myself up.

I really am not some 'lovely' person. I try to be nice most times, I do really have days where I wish everyone would just go away. I have days where I feel very lost. I have days where I feel... what is the point... but I don't wallow in it. Look if you feel this way you should talk to someone... there are people out there (please not to me though).

Also if you read this and think... well yeah think what you like really, I'm over it.

Anyway... really no matter how bad life is, you should really just push on and not give up.
Loneliness is also a state of mind. I realize how silly that sounds considering that humans are social creatures. Learn to enjoy your own company first, this can be really difficult... but you don't actually 'need' anyone in your life. It should be a 'want'.

I've barely gotten advice re my life, I'm just working through stuff myself... lol yeah thats what you gotta do when nobody really cares. I don't expect people to care anyway. Some people are nice, some are not... that's just life isn't it?
So yup, when nobody cares, care about yourself! when you realize you are the only one you can depend on in the end...
thats loyalty for you! :-)

I may be alot of things, you probably already know already but I have my own issues.... uh yeah but really at the end of the day I wish everyone happiness!

I also get moments where I just wanna take the plunge, and say goodbye to life Razz But you can't do that... you must not give up on life.

If for some unknown reason you want to contact me:
kik: azureagatedragon
telegram: @infinityofskyy
email:
Please login to see this email
Get registered or Log in

I have discord too but idk...


Last edited by hjerte on Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:50 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 1:32 am
PostPost subject:No icon Re: Some of my babbling for you...
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Thank you for sharing the story Hjerte.

It feels good, doesn't it? . Just writing things off.  I've read every part of it with patience.
At some point it felt like it was me years back writing such stories.  I've never been in such situation as you were but I get where this is coming from.

Life..... yeah.....what is it? You can't control anything of it, but life can't control your choices in life ..... either....
Be your own boss, and let time be as your compass.
Live your life as you see fit girl. Seeking for attention is not wrong. It is ok. But I do remind you that this is a game server forum,  do expect negative commentary too.

We can share a few pm's if you like to, if you need it.  But I do recommend that we have other girls registered here too, staff and regular players.
Hit them with a friendly gesture Smile Discord is fine too.

There is only suicide in UT, not in real life!  Laughing

Opa2


Stay strong!
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 1:45 am
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As I said, I haven't really made this stuff public until now... I accept whatever that will come with it. If anyone can relate, understand or see part of themselves in it, then I guess my post has served its purpose Smile
People can see my post however they like. They can laugh at it, smile at it, wish that I would disappear for eternity, feel bad about it, relate with it...
I don't really care Smile
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2018 5:07 am
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Mouse, (hjerte)

I am always here for you sweet girl!!  You have my discord and I should check out some of the other avenues of messenger but somehow I don't like change :Zwinker:  I also have skype and facebook.   You have the right attitude, you have to be comfortable in your own shoes.  By that I mean find yourself, and be the best YOU that you can be.  I know that you have had many negative situations in your young life, but now you are in control. I am so proud of you for being strong and taking the steps needed to get out of a bad situation. I know you will be successful. Everyone has days where they want to talk and days that they don't, this is normal. I hope that you will keep in touch if you do decide to take a break from the game.  Take care and hope to hear from you soon. <3 Please feel free to message me anytime. My email is  dexieut2017@gmail.com  
Love ya girl,        
<3 <3 DEXIE <3 <3
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 12:05 am
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Hello, hjerte,

I know its not causing a "calm down" feel, but I have a sad life story too, most people decided mine is very heavy: first mother unknown (I only know her name), second mother imprisoned when I was 7, third mother carried in two little sisters along with radical feminism and made me the source of all problems, I had my first suicide try at 9(!), and the second at 21, lived with a bloody hate for all living women in the world, but these things happened eons ago - I will not tire you about every details.

Im past 40 now (soon I will die anyway lol), and I have a wife now since 2006 and  - as a gift from the humorous life - I got two daughters for the future... and its good! If I had a boy, he maybe carry on my hereditary illness: I started to lost my hearing few years ago (around 35), slowly, gradually, my right ear is total dead 90%, the left one is about 30%. Thats why Im playing so much here in the virtual world: I can balance out my headphones and making an illusion that my ears are working correctly - not as in the real world, where I have small problems with communication - however some type of high sound effects are completely unhearable for me - but who cares.

Before 20 years I never thought that I will have a family, a house, a car, dog and cat etc. in my life - seems impossible in my twenties. But I can say one thing: time passing is a type of medicine and if you will look back once on your life you will recognise that the most painful events are just memories - even if some of them looked total mad they fly away like small birds (and its not because of senility). I planned to make a balance in my life, and I recommend to you to do the same - if I did it, you also can, believe me! You will meet new men and women, who will bring changes in your life in unimaginable ways and you will get new experience, even you will meet the Luck herself.

Yes, I know it seems just an old mans babbling, but you will understand it clearly after 40. And sorry for bad Anglish, GGL is my friend also.  Twisted Evil this old dino now goes and drink sthing...
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 12:33 am
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DEXIE wrote (View Post):
Mouse, (hjerte)

I am always here for you sweet girl!!  You have my discord and I should check out some of the other avenues of messenger but somehow I don't like change :Zwinker:  I also have skype and facebook.   You have the right attitude, you have to be comfortable in your own shoes.  By that I mean find yourself, and be the best YOU that you can be.  I know that you have had many negative situations in your young life, but now you are in control. I am so proud of you for being strong and taking the steps needed to get out of a bad situation. I know you will be successful. Everyone has days where they want to talk and days that they don't, this is normal. I hope that you will keep in touch if you do decide to take a break from the game.  Take care and hope to hear from you soon. &lt;3 Please feel free to message me anytime. My email is  dexieut2017@gmail.com  
Love ya girl,        
&lt;3 &lt;3 DEXIE &lt;3 &lt;3
 


Hey thanks for the reply.
I'm trying to hold on, I feel a bit different from when I wrote this first message here. But one thing is for sure, I won't give up. Actually I'll try really hard not to give up. Most of the time I'm alright I think, but I guess I'm a bunch of emotions sometimes.
Anyway... have fun in UT everyone. I've been in the game a little bit as of late...

[Automatic merged Post Sat Sep 22, 2018 12:38 am:]

Kryxix wrote (View Post):
Hello, hjerte,

I know its not causing a "calm down" feel, but I have a sad life story too, most people decided mine is very heavy: first mother unknown (I only know her name), second mother imprisoned when I was 7, third mother carried in two little sisters along with radical feminism and made me the source of all problems, I had my first suicide try at 9(!), and the second at 21, lived with a bloody hate for all living women in the world, but these things happened eons ago - I will not tire you about every details.

Im past 40 now (soon I will die anyway lol), and I have a wife now since 2006 and  - as a gift from the humorous life - I got two daughters for the future... and its good! If I had a boy, he maybe carry on my hereditary illness: I started to lost my hearing few years ago (around 35), slowly, gradually, my right ear is total dead 90%, the left one is about 30%. Thats why Im playing so much here in the virtual world: I can balance out my headphones and making an illusion that my ears are working correctly - not as in the real world, where I have small problems with communication - however some type of high sound effects are completely unhearable for me - but who cares.

Before 20 years I never thought that I will have a family, a house, a car, dog and cat etc. in my life - seems impossible in my twenties. But I can say one thing: time passing is a type of medicine and if you will look back once on your life you will recognise that the most painful events are just memories - even if some of them looked total mad they fly away like small birds (and its not because of senility). I planned to make a balance in my life, and I recommend to you to do the same - if I did it, you also can, believe me! You will meet new men and women, who will bring changes in your life in unimaginable ways and you will get new experience, even you will meet the Luck herself.

Yes, I know it seems just an old mans babbling, but you will understand it clearly after 40. And sorry for bad Anglish, GGL is my friend also.  Twisted Evil this old dino now goes and drink sthing...
 


I really read all of that. What can I say, I'm really glad life turned out well for you. That's why I want to hold on. And not give up. Regarding babbling... yeah, its fine to babble. I've tried to suicide in my past too. First attempt was probably at 20 but it wasn't really a proper attempt. So I was suicidal for a few years and had urges to die. Honestly, I do really try to keep an open mind.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2018 10:44 pm
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Thanks, Hjerte, and to everyone else who has posted and shared their stories.

I am deeply sorry for everything that has happened to you guys. You are not alone in this battle, though. I promise you that.

My mom and I lived with a man for years who was emotionally and verbally abusive. She would break up with him, and then go back to him over and over. He was her "boyfriend." He would call her slurs, call her fat, and they would fight a lot. More often than not, it would eventually become physical, going so far as to him trying to choke my mom once. He threatened to kill her this last time they argued. He would bully me, too. I'm kind of on the chubby side, to tell you the truth, and I was persecuted for that. He called me "fat ass," and a "fag" because of my bisexuality. The thing is, he's "bi" himself, because he cheated on my mom with men, and would surf on the web looking at gay pornography. Funny, huh?

He's in jail now, and she's finally left him alone for good -- however, he still contacts us, even though he is not supposed to. I hate him really much, and to be frank, I wish he was dead. He's also getting out in October for whatever retarded reason.

I'm still in school -- I'm a Junior, but I am graduating early, so I am actually a Senior to some extent. I get bullied a lot myself. I have bad facial acne, and I was called names for it. I was told I had hemorrhoids on my face, and this guy on the football team (go figure) told me to "shut up," and called me "pimple face." Girls laughed at me because of my face. A boy younger than me made fun of me for my weight. This group of kids likes to make fun of me, be mean to me, and laugh at me for no reason. I was also threatened a couple of times. I've broken down in class a few times. Go ahead. Call me a drama queen. I don't care.

I'm even bullied on UT. One player told me he was surprised because I hadn't slit my wrists yet. I'm also made fun of a lot in-game, too.

It really hurt. As a result, I would begin to think lowly of myself, and self-harm. I would take a knife or a small needle and cut my left wrist or my left hand. I would search about suicide on the internet. I thought about taking my mom's gun and shooting myself in the head. I tried jumping in front of cars to get run over. I even tried overdosing on medication.

I hate my body. I hate my smile. I hate my face. I hate everything about myself.

I also screw everything up. Then, I try fixing things, and I just ruin it even more.

I can't even pass Algebra, and I'm failing my driving tests.

The catch is, all things pass. It takes practice to get better at things. You have people who care. You can get help. These people in which all they do is put you down are unhappy themselves, and they just treat you even worse to make themselves feel or look better. It doesn't. It just makes them look pathetic. They are the ones who are pathetic. Not you. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Don't give up. Never give up. You can do it. Hang in there. You are important. You matter. The fact that you are battling a lot of personal demons but you are still alive says a lot about you. It means you are a fighter. You are a survivor. Keep going. I love you all. If you ever want to talk, I am here. For all of you.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 7:51 am
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I'm really sorry to hear that, Beemo. I didn't expect this thread to get any replies. I see that I'm not alone. I think that's important to know, that if you are going through stuff, you aren't alone. I think alot of people feel alone in this stuff, they feel like nobody believes them, and that happens... they tell someone and they are told to 'get over it' for example... they feel like that its their own fault.

Abuse is never your fault. Abuse is the fault of the person who abused you. Never blame yourself for that.

Please remember that there is a real person behind the screen when you are online, whether you are in a forum or a social networking site or in a video game (as examples). I was suggested to 'go and die irl' the other day, won't mention the name. I've been threatened to be killed with a gun before too, again mentioning no names. It might be a good idea to stop and think before you call someone names. You don't know if that person has had a really bad day. You don't know if they have been depressed for years. Maybe its a new player. Sometimes it just takes one thing to push someone over the edge. I can handle being called names for the most part. The problem lies with the person calling me names, after all. Not with me. I mean, and also, that would keep players on the server. I don't like the lack of maps but thats rather irrelevant to this topic... I can't imagine someone getting a good impression of the server and its players if they were called 'retard' for using an ineffective weapon on a monster.
(fyi, I can get agitated when playing... players getting in my way for example. lol. Yeah... but I don't call them names. I just wait... or however it goes) :P

I admit, I used to think I was ugly too. My dad called me a 'retard' for years (for about 18 years I'd say), said nobody would want to marry me, he used to threaten to send me away, kick me out of the house. This was RE mouth breathing. He even did that probably a month or 2 before I had left him... even if my mouth was open for 'no reason' for a second, he would lecture me to 'look smart' and not to mouth breathe because nobody would respect me if they did. When I was younger it used to make me cry when he called me retard and the like (he sent me to my room as well), and he told me to stop being a sook and crybaby.

I felt that I also could not wear what I wanted because he told me that stuff 'was too nice for this place' or this stuff 'made me look like a kid'...

My dad was an almost alcoholic, and probably for the last 8 years, he woke me up in the middle of most nights for help with stuff (basic tasks), he used to babble endlessly, even about topics I won't mention here. The place was filthy and disgusting. It reeked of pee most of the time, air freshener had been sprayed alot, so I've naturally inhaled alot of that. Ugh. In the last few months before I had left, the place had insect problems. Dad left food out all the time and the insect problems didn't get any better. He almost never showered. He never did that much. (No, I am not exaggerating!)

I had only really been outside once in my life (before I moved away from dad), and that was to meet Crow for 14 days. (yeah I got blamed for that endlessly by dad when I got back, even though I had written a note with my contact details). Well to be more precise, me and mum moved away from him. He also abused her.

Also I used to look up suicide for a few years (since I was 20 or so), looked up methods, etc. Sorry if I already mentioned that.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:38 pm
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I had to just post this, I found this music on of my hard drives.

I command you all to blast this out of your speakers. Wether you like the music or not. THAT IS AN ORDER.

This music makes me always laugh and happy Very Happy1

To cheer you all up a bit Very Happy1  Very amusing video as well  Very Happy1


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2018 11:50 pm
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Thanks for that! Loooool. I only have lousy speakers on my laptop though, and I use earphones, so I just used them.
Oh there's this great guy on the server who encouraged me to kill myself, I don't care really. Not mentioning names. I just hope he doesn't do it to others.
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